So the Patriots veterans let the rookies play on the slip ‘n slide. Actually, it was more like the Patriots veterans forced the rookies to dive into the mud in full uniform, while everyone soaked in joy from their plight.

Do the Patriots partake in the time-honored — and new-generation of athlete hating — ritual of hazing? No, says offensive lineman and deadpan practitioner Matt Light.

“Have you ever seen any hazing done by any of us?” he asked a group of reporters whose curiosity centered on hazing — which Merriam-Webster says is a word created circa 1855, if you’re equally as curious — in Patriots training camp.

“Well what the heck was that mudslide business all about, Mister?” the reporters replied in nothing close to those paraphrased words.

“That’s a training technique in how they operate under pressure, as in like from a hose,” Light said, drawing the type of laughter that would cause an impartial judge of humor to caution, “not that much.”

Guy goes from knocking three dingers a night to rolling strikes for charity. Does this help his trade value?

Nickname thievery is nothing new to sports. “Pudge” has stuck with Ivan Rodriguez even after he stopped being a star catcher. It is a nickname somehow recycled from the days of Carlton Fisk’s batted-ball manipulation, despite their overlapping careers.

LaDanian Tomlinson, though more deserving of the “Darth Tomlinson” moniker, has been called “LT” for years, as if Lawrence Taylor — equally as great in post-career scandals as he was at playing linebacker — never existed.

And now, desperate to expand upon the attention beacons built with their touchdown celebrations, driveway ab workouts and power block of faux-reality shows on VH1, Chad OchoCinco is grasping for a tandem nickname to apply to himself and new teammate Terrell Owens. Brainstorming on Twitter, Senor OchoCinco suggested “Shrek n Donkey” due to his ability to “act an ass.”

Normally, that would be an appropriate suggestion. If only it were not on the heals of Nate Robinson and Glen Davis adopting the tandem nickname on the national stage. So back to the drawing board he goes — the vulgar drawing board.

Child please.

I’m busy today so notify me asap when NAACP renders verdict: are liberty-loving, equality-respecting patriots racist?Bated breath,waiting…

No. It’s the equality-hating patriots. They’re the racists. But thanks for playing.

“If we lose a couple in a row this season, it will be like the World Trade (Center) is coming down again.”

The analogy section of the SAT was the most important part, and then they took it away. I’d say Wade might have failed that portion of the test. And no, Katrina, the Gulf oil spill and Pearl Harbor are not suitable replacements. That time when I was nine and chipped my tooth going over the handlebars of a bicycle, that fits.

“If we lose a couple in a row this season, it will be like [that time Adam flipped over the handlebars of a bicycle and chipped his tooth].”

See?

UPDATE: So, apparently there was a “transcription error” and Fanhouse has changed the quote to:

“Plus, there’s going to be times when we lose 2-3 games in a row, and it seems like the world has crashed down. You all are going to make it seem like the World Trade is coming down again, but it’s not going to be nothing but a couple basketball games.”

That’s some error.

What’s that? Celtics are rumored to be working on bringing back Nate Robinson, aka Ronnie from Role Models? If you don’t think that’s a fair comparison, check this Twitter convo between Robinson and teammate Shelden Williams.

@SheldenWilliams:

Haha why is @nate_robinson pinching people? What grown man still pinches? Hahaha! I haven’t been pinched since elementary til today haha!

@Nate_Robinson:

@SheldenWilliams is in the back of the bus cry n about me pinch n his arm wow get tough B #wordaapp

Man I’m a go to the back of the bus an step on @SheldenWilliams hush puppies he got on B #wordaapp

Case closed.

Here’s a name to keep in mind for a possible spot on Rivers’ bench next season: Al Skinner. The former Boston College coach was rumored to be in contention for a number of college jobs, but none came through for him. Sources indicate Rivers and Skinner have had preliminary talks. The Celtics coaching staff has been decreased by one with Tom Thibodeau’s move to Chicago. Rivers has talked to former Nets head coach Lawrence Frank as well.

“You were the chosen one! It was said that you would destroy the Sith, not join them — bring balance to the Force, not leave it in darkness!” — Obi-Wan Kinobi at 1:00 min. mark

You didn’t think LeBron James would skip town without hearing the spiteful response of Cavs owner Dan Gilbert, did you? In an AP phone interview and curse-casting open letter, Gilbert lambasted James as a spoiled brat, the beneficiary of a “free pass.” While James’ departure from Cleveland may have left a bad taste in the mouth of some, Gilbert’s criticisms of “The King” are nothing but sweet, sweet music to my ears.

AP Interview, regarding James’ performance in playoff series with Boston:

“He quit,” Gilbert said. “Not just in Game 5, but in Games 2, 4 and 6. Watch the tape. The Boston series was unlike anything in the history of sports for a superstar.”

Gilbert’s open letter to the Cavs fans:

Dear Cleveland, All Of Northeast Ohio and Cleveland Cavaliers Supporters Wherever You May Be Tonight;

As you now know, our former hero, who grew up in the very region that he deserted this evening, is no longer a Cleveland Cavalier.

This was announced with a several day, narcissistic, self-promotional build-up culminating with a national TV special of his “decision” unlike anything ever “witnessed” in the history of sports and probably the history of entertainment.

Clearly, this is bitterly disappointing to all of us.

The good news is that the ownership team and the rest of the hard-working, loyal, and driven staff over here at your hometown Cavaliers have not betrayed you nor NEVER will betray you.

There is so much more to tell you about the events of the recent past and our more than exciting future. Over the next several days and weeks, we will be communicating much of that to you.

You simply don’t deserve this kind of cowardly betrayal.

You have given so much and deserve so much more.

In the meantime, I want to make one statement to you tonight:

“I PERSONALLY GUARANTEE THAT THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS WILL WIN AN NBA CHAMPIONSHIP BEFORE THE SELF-TITLED FORMER ‘KING’ WINS ONE”

You can take it to the bank.

If you thought we were motivated before tonight to bring the hardware to Cleveland, I can tell you that this shameful display of selfishness and betrayal by one of our very own has shifted our “motivation” to previously unknown and previously never experienced levels.

Some people think they should go to heaven but NOT have to die to get there.

Sorry, but that’s simply not how it works.

This shocking act of disloyalty from our home grown “chosen one” sends the exact opposite lesson of what we would want our children to learn. And “who” we would want them to grow-up to become.

But the good news is that this heartless and callous action can only serve as the antidote to the so-called “curse” on Cleveland, Ohio.

The self-declared former “King” will be taking the “curse” with him down south. And until he does “right” by Cleveland and Ohio, James (and the town where he plays) will unfortunately own this dreaded spell and bad karma.

Just watch.

Sleep well, Cleveland.

Tomorrow is a new and much brighter day….

I PROMISE you that our energy, focus, capital, knowledge and experience will be directed at one thing and one thing only:

DELIVERING YOU the championship you have long deserved and is long overdue….

Dan Gilbert
Majority Owner
Cleveland Cavaliers

Babe Ruth ain’t got shit on Dan Gilbert in the curse-giving department.